Most of the changes in my essay so far have been fixing grammatical mistakes. I plan on adding more of Southan and his perspective into my essay. However, I have mainly been 
focused on improving the strength of my conclusion and surrounding paragraphs. In doing so, I have rewritten key sentences, allowing for a clearer articulation of my details on the concept of replaceability and how Titus Kaphar, the Effective Altruists, and Rhys Southan have the same goal but just differing methods on how to attain said goal of a world without injustice. These changes have improved my composition overall by showing me that I can write detailed, but condensed paragraphs, thus eliminating my feeling as if I need to overfill them
Edmund's Site
Just another UNEPortfolios site
Did you have an opportunity to read your They Say/I Say textbook?
In the future, would please post slightly larger images so I can more easily read them? Thanks so much! 🙂